Miscarriage Sucks!

I should be 34 weeks pregnant and I'm not. I should be packing a bag for the hospital, nesting like crazy, and preparing a place for our new child and I'm not. I feel like I am grieving all over again, but this time its worse.

The first few weeks of April after we lost the baby, I cried a lot. I would cry after I got the clothes out of the dryer and realized I had to put away the new maternity clothes I had bought without ever wearing them. I cried because my baby had died, and because I was no longer pregnant. I cried. Many people listened to me cry and for that I was so thankful.

But as the weeks progressed, and my belly didn't get bigger the tears subsided. Then a few days ago, I realized how far along I should be. I felt robbed all over again. Babies are being born by others around me and I am still here grieving the loss of the baby Ill never hold.

Now rationally, I know that God is sovereign in all things. I know that He is good. I know that trials and suffering are a part of this Christian life. If Jesus suffered, why should I think I dont have to? I know that the promises of God are for me and not against me. I know Jesus' love for me is sufficient to endure all sitautions. But the knowing is somehow disconnected from the feeling.

I am not alone in my grief. Garrett understands me and is so gracious, loving and encouraging. Jude is still playing and laughing and getting into everything. In the small moments, the regular moments I find joy. But in the silent ones, I cry. Trusting God is easy when you don't "really" need to, but when its hard, trusting the Lord in all things is much more difficult.

Blueberry Peach Crisp

Recently, I stumbled upon a website entitled World's Healthiest Foods. I haven't spent a ton of time there, but I liked several of the recipes they provide. I think its some gimmick for you to drink their juice or something, and I wont be doing that; however, I did poke around enough which led me to make a few things for dinner.

One of the desserts stood out to me first. "Well of course it did ReAnnon." I can hear in my head, I have a thing for treats. Candy, Sweets, Coca-Cola, and all things bad for me. I like them. They make me happy. I am an emotional sweets eater... There I make it public, what a sigh of relief...haha

But seriously, I like desserts. But this Blueberry Peach Crisp hits the spot and is suprisingly sweet with out being sugary. I changed the recipe a but by not using the pitted dates, and once used dried plumbs since I had them around, and the second time I used rasins. I liked the rasins better. The plumbs made the crisp topping too dark brown. I also whipped some whipping cream and topped the servings with that. It made for a delicious dessert. You should try it...

Here is the Recipe from WHF:

Prep and Cook Time: 10 minutes, cooking time: 45 minutes Ingredients: 10 oz fresh or frozen blueberries 1 lb of fresh or frozen peach slices ¼ cup apple juice Topping ½ cup almonds ½ cup rolled oats 1 cup pitted dates 2 TBS apple juice ½ tsp cinnamon

Directions:

1. Preheat over to 350. Place blueberries in the bottom of a square 8 inch baking pan. If you are using frozen, make sure they are completely thawed and drained of excess water. Place peach slices on top of blueberries. If they are frozen make sure they are also thawed and drained of excess water. Drizzle ¼ cup apple juice over fruit.
2. Remove pits from dates and place in the bowl of a food processor along with oats, almonds and cinnamon. After running for a minute and dates are blended with oats and almonds, add apple juice, and mix well.
3. Place mixture evenly over peaches and blueberries, and bake uncovered for about 45 minutes. Serve warm or cool.
   Serves 4-6
   
   

Enjoy!

Hammering not Hitting

Jude decided to wake up 4 times a night all last week, which lead me to be exhausted and therefore, not waking up at 5 am. Well lets say not staying awake at 5am. But the last two nights he has only woken up once around midnight so I am hopeful that the 5am club will resume.

But for now, here is the weekly Jude update:

I have been having so much fun with Jude lately. He learned to crawl on Christmas Day, and hasn't looked back since. He can now pull up on every piece of furniture in my home and goes as he pleases. He can entertain himself for what seems like forever, as he attempt to problem solve to get the toy or object he wants. The computer cords have become a favorite to my dismay, but we are working with "No, Mommy said you cant play with cords." Then a redirect... We shall see how this goes... But the funnest thing he has started to do is carry around this little purple and green hammer. Its become his favorite toy by far. He whines for it when he is eating, he crawls with it everywhere he goes, and it's the first toy he looks for in the morning. It's darling. I'll have to get a picture because I don't have one yet. He often gets frustrated when trying to pull up on the table, because he can't do it with the hammer in his hand, but he won't give up the hammer. It's funny! I have had to learn to be purposeful with my words. Hammering is okay, Hitting is not. So we Hammer the table, we hammer the blocks etc. I am thankful I didn't spend 6 months saying,"Yeah, hit the table. Good job son." Only to have to scold him for hitting... Man, the power of words... What am I in for?

Here are a few pictures from the week... Enjoy.

This is the Lion of Jude... See he is roaring.

Here he is crawling away

Uncle Grant teaching Jude to walk during the OU Florida game... So sad Sooners...

Contemplative Son at the Park, I'm not sure if he likes the swings...

Mommy and Jude on the slide... Is he having fun? Again I'm not sure.

Ok, now he is having fun. Finally, whats a Mama gotta do?

Jude and Nissi waiting to be attacked by the Park ducks.

And finally a "Shampoo-Hak"

His hair only curls with its wet. Perhaps Ill have a curly headed kid. But for now, it's stick straight and Blond... Who would have thought.

Reflection and Planning

One of my new favorite blogs is Simple Mom. I just like her, and her perspective on life. Over the New Year push, she posted two sets of questions: one set focused on reflecting upon 2008 and the other planning a vision for 2009. I took some time and answered these 40 questions (I know it's a lot but trust me it's worth it.) I am so thankful I prayerfully considered these questions. They have given me talking points with Garrett, highlighted areas of sin where I need to repent, shown me areas where I desperately need to grow, and also been a great encouragement helping me see things I am doing well.

So here are the questions. You can find the original posts for 2008 Reflections and 2009 Vision here.

Reflection Questions for 2008

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

5. Pick three words to describe 2008.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2008 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2008 (again, without asking).

8. What were the best books you read this year?

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2008 for you.

Vision Questions for 2009

1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?

2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?

3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.

4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?

5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?

6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?

7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?

8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.

9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.

10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?

11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.

12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.

13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?

14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.

15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?

16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.

17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?

18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?

19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?

20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2009.

If you want to print the questions out, Simple Mom provided a free PDF for download.... see original source.

Happy reflecting and planning.

Wonderful Holiday

Jude's first Christmas was a wonderful time. Being home with both Garrett's and my family made it so special. We spent Christmas Even with the Higerds and then Christmas Day with the Paynes and finaly coming together as one big group for Christmas dinner. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of gift opening. But the best part of the day was seeing how much joy my son brings to the grandparents. Each of them, all four, interact with him so sweetly, yet so differently. I can only imagine the kinds of relationships he will have with them. But I have to admit it has been super fun for me to see how my mom interacts with Jude. Most of the time all I can do is laugh at her and her silliness. But as each day passes, I am learning about the kind of mother she was to me by her actions with Jude. Her playfulness is contageous.

Christmas Eve with Grandmomma opening his First Christmas Present.

YES! A Toolbench.

Christmas Morning.

Inspecting the cool books from Care and AB.

Chiristmas morning with Daddy and Grandpa.

Riding the Lion with Grandma. Garrett and his Siblings
My Uncle Ron, Francine, Kaycee and Chandler
Grandpa and Jude playing with his Lion washcloth. One of many presents bought for Jude that I was told after the fact that were for "Grandma's House." HAHA

Jude and Chandler Bing eating dinner.

Jude's first Christmas was super fun, and it was great to be with so much family. As the years progress, I am looking forward to having our own family traditions and creating a holiday culture that is uniquly ours. Garrett and I have some ideas about family traditions we want to create, with emphasis on the "I"..., and I am anxious to implement them in the coming years.

New Years Promise

Here is my attempt at a public promise with some background info...

I have been feeling prompted by the Lord for some time to begin my day at 5 am. Now that idea in and of itself must be a holy one because nothing in my person-hood thinks a 5am start time sounds like fun. But as I began thinking about it seriously, I saw all the benefits of redeeming two hours in the morning before Jude is up for the day. He wakes up to nurse around 5 anyway, so its not like I have to pull myself out of my warm bed for nothing right... Its almost comical how easy the Lord has made it for me to obey him here. Now I realize that there might be mornings that I need that two hours of sleep and if I go back to bed every once in a while I believe that will be ok. After all Jesus cares about my heart and its motives, not my legalistic self-inflicted rules.

So this extra time I have decided will provide uninterrupted time for my devotionals, time to exercise, and to blog. "YEAH BLOGGING", I can hear my sister Bing say. She is always nagging me that she knows more about my nieces that about her own nephew... But seriously how I compete with SuperMom Mari...

So here are my ideas:
I am thinking that one day a week I will post some family anecdote including pictures. This will hopefully give everyone their Jude fix and give me something to show my son how I chronicled his life. Because it doesnt look like his Baby Book will ever get filled in. But you never know what I'll be able to accomplish in two hours...

Next, since I love to cook and am always experimenting and finding delicious recipes, I thought I would share one cooking related story a week. This will help me to be more like my amazing friend Lydia, who will be SuperMom #2 when her peanut Ruby is born.

And lastly, I am hoping to share something that the Lord is doing in my life. I am constantly amazed by the grace that is lavished upon me by the Savior and so I thought this would be a good place to share some of the amazing things He does. I am thinking I will share teachings that I have benefited from, scripture passages that I find helpful and general devotional type stories. Basically anything that helps me see and know Jesus better.

So there it is. My New Years Promise... At least 3 blogs a week... Any one care to hold me to it?

Pictures for Chandler

Here are a few pictures from when Mari and her girls visited last week. It was so fun to have them around. I cant help by wonder what Christmas will be like once they are all mobile... What fun we are in for.

Finally a good family picture.Unkol Grant

Annabelle is sad...:(

Serious Son

Chandler, this is for you! I hate your stinkin guts!