I should be 34 weeks pregnant and I'm not. I should be packing a bag for the hospital, nesting like crazy, and preparing a place for our new child and I'm not. I feel like I am grieving all over again, but this time its worse.
The first few weeks of April after we lost the baby, I cried a lot. I would cry after I got the clothes out of the dryer and realized I had to put away the new maternity clothes I had bought without ever wearing them. I cried because my baby had died, and because I was no longer pregnant. I cried. Many people listened to me cry and for that I was so thankful.
But as the weeks progressed, and my belly didn't get bigger the tears subsided. Then a few days ago, I realized how far along I should be. I felt robbed all over again. Babies are being born by others around me and I am still here grieving the loss of the baby Ill never hold.
Now rationally, I know that God is sovereign in all things. I know that He is good. I know that trials and suffering are a part of this Christian life. If Jesus suffered, why should I think I dont have to? I know that the promises of God are for me and not against me. I know Jesus' love for me is sufficient to endure all sitautions. But the knowing is somehow disconnected from the feeling.
I am not alone in my grief. Garrett understands me and is so gracious, loving and encouraging. Jude is still playing and laughing and getting into everything. In the small moments, the regular moments I find joy. But in the silent ones, I cry. Trusting God is easy when you don't "really" need to, but when its hard, trusting the Lord in all things is much more difficult.
Oh dearest ReAnnon, know you're not alone. Any woman who has lost a child she so dearly wanted can understand where you are. I lost my baby at 15 weeks back in February of 1998 - only days before my birthday. Every year after that, I'd remember that awful day. But each year, the pain was less. Until finally, in 2008 I celebrated my birthday with utter joy. I hope having Jude to distract you is as helpful as having Dan & Beth was to me. Know that your sisters who have shared your loss share your pain and love you.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry, my friend. that sucks... it really does. i can't fully understand what you're going through, but i know this is something that hurts. my sister has struggled through these same things and i know it has taken time for her and STILL hurts her. know that i love you...i'm sorry. i'm sorry for your pain. you'll be in my prayers especially during this next month. thanks for your honesty and genuine realness. it's right to work through your thoughts, feelings....love you.
ReplyDeleteglad you are blogging again, but sad about the subject! i expect this will be a rough month, and i'm so sorry for that. praying for peace for you.
ReplyDelete