Day 18

November 18, 2010

I have been off line, and out of touch for several days. My boys have had a doozy of a stomach flu. Today was the first day in a week that my precious 2 year old didn't have diarrhea, and my baby boy didn't projectile vomit across the room. And believe it or not, I actually got a shower to remove the baby vomit from my hair! The life of a Mommy is so glamorous.

Moving on...

Day 16
On Tuesday, I was thankful for movies. Lots of Movies. Movies made the day progress in 45 minute increments. We made it through.

Day 17
Wednesday's thankful moment came in the form of my Mother. She came for a short visit before headed to work. Watching her play with Jude at the park is so much fun. Pretend dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes, spaghetti and meatballs, and chicken enchiladas made her very full! Slides and cars. Mamo knows hot to have fun.

Day 18
I am so thankful my MIL has a DVR. I watched my beloved P-Dub Throwdown Bobby Flay. Seriously, Bobby, No Mashed Potatoes? Although we will have those brussels sprouts on our table this year! A day at Grandmama's house is something to be thankful for. Jude played, Kathy played too! She even kept both the boys as I ran errands. And that is something to be very thankful for! Living so close to family is a wonderful thing.

Day 15

November 15, 2010

I am thankful that even though I have been up since 5 am with two sick little boys I am still thankful to be their mother. I am a blessed woman to have these boys as my sons. Barf and Poop are a part of life and I'll take it all day long because I know that tomorrow will be better. Maybe not literally tomorrow, but theoretically! The laughing and cooing will resume. The diarrhea will stop. And perhaps tomorrow, I won't have a DVD playing all day. Tomorrow, I have a chance to start again. The promise of tomorrow is a gift from the Lord.

I am also thankful that I have a little helper. Jude has a fascination with all things Mommy. Whatever I am putting my hands to, Jude is right there with me. This afternoon, after a SHORT NAP, we went outside to rake leaves. I loved having a helper, despite the fact, that he did more running through piles of leaves than raking, and throwing them in the air, then putting them in the garbage can!

LITTLE BOYS ARE AMAZING!

Day 14

November 14, 2010

I am thankful for my cousin Tiffany. Today is her birthday. This summer we had a wonderful time gathered as a family for her wedding. Jason Wilson is a wonderful man, and I look forward to getting to know him better over the next many years!  Jude was her ring barer, and was perhaps the cutest one EVER! His white button down shirt, khaki pants, brown leather belt, and tan flip flops, made for the most darling outfit, and I am pretty sure he knew how handsome he looked. I was so honored to have Jude as a part of the Wilson's wedding. It was such a joy to be a part of such a wonderful day!

Being back in OKC for a few days, was great fun. My little family was graciously hosted by my Grandpa Elmer and his lovely wife Charlotte. It was so special to stay at their home with them. Jude loved being there and my big belly was happy to have a homey place to rest! The family time was great, although rushed. It was wonderful meeting my Uncle Ron's girlfriend Juliet, and Celebrating my Aunt Lori's 50th birthday!

Now the way our family's genetics work is quite interesting. See, Tiffany and I look more like sisters than cousins. We have our whole lives. Being taller brunettes, with brown eyes, and having a physical trait the rest of the family was not endowed with, makes us look so similar. As littles, we were very close and spent a lot of time together. When my parents moved us to CA in the late 80's our relationship changed. Then I became a teenager and was too cool. Then she became a teenager and was too cool. Now, as we are both adult married women, I am hopeful that our relationship can change again.  Depth, transparency, and truth are things I desire in relationships, and Tiffany is gifted in each of those character traits.

I love you Tiffany Marie Wilson. Happy Birthday!

Day 13

November 13, 2010

I am thankful for Coca-Cola. I love it! You know the Red, full sugar, totally acidic, clean blood off the Highway, Coca-Cola. A small Coke makes my day better. Its a very simple thing, but it makes me happy.

Day 12

November 12, 2010

I am thankful that we are all in bed and its 9:30 pm. I love that Friday nights consist of dinner and a movie in the living room. We watched "How to Train Your Dragon," and had Elk Stew. I did imbibe a glass of red wine. It was delicious. Family Night Friday Night is something to be thankful for.

Day 11

November 11, 2010

Veterans Day: I am thankful for and to all the men and women who serve and have served our country. 

A few members of my extended family are active military and seeing the sacrifices they make, brings a deep sense of gratitude forth in my heart. In our country, a small population make the largest sacrifices. Through Mari and all her wonderful friends, I have learned all I know about military life. Wives of active military men are AMAZING! So on this Veterans Day, I am sending my thanks and appreciation to all of those women who have cared for children, kept a home, and were alone, while their honorable husbands were off fighting for the rights we as Americans often take too lightly.  Marrying a military man is a high calling and a lot of work, from what I have observed, and for you ladies I am so thankful.  

Today being a national holiday, I am also thankful that my husband is a government employee so he had the day off! The garage is almost organized and I have several less boxes to go through. Moving and getting settled is finishing up nicely. 

I am also thankful for my THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS. Yes, I have Thanksgiving decorations. I love them. Remember, I love Thanksgiving. My home is feeling very festive and I am getting so excited. 

I found out today that my brother in law Gabe, doesn't like turkey! I felt like I got punched in the gut! Not like TURKEY! Oh, Gabe will you give me a chance to change your mind? I can't bear the thought of you not liking Thanksgiving turkey. I have really high expectations for holidays on the compound, just so you know. 

In other awesome freakout worthy news, The Pioneer Woman and Bobby Flay had a Thanksgiving Throw-Down. For those of you who don't know the shear awesomeness that this is, I am so sorry. You must figure it out on your own. But let me tell you, its so awesome. So awesome.  I must go call my mother and have her set the DVR! Oh P-Dub, I am sure you prevailed! 

Day 7-10

November 10, 2010

I AM NOT A BLOGGING SLACKER! I have been internetless for 4 days and I feel like the world has left me behind.  I have 397 unread blog posts in my google reader and days of facebook to catch up on. Sigh... I missed the internet.

However, We are mostly settled in our new little cabin in the woods. Which leads me to the 7th's thankfulness:
November 7, 2010

I am thankful for the body of Christ. With out my Church family I couldn't have, wouldn't have been able to move. Lisa, Janet, Cleo, Lorry, and my Mom helped me in so many ways I lost count. I kept telling myself, I MUST do this for someone else in the future. I MUST serve someone else in the ways I have been served.

November 8, 2010

Did I mention how I much I dislike deep cleaning? Having grown up with a Dad who cleaned the white tiles of the black and white checkered floor of his mother's kitchen with a razor blade for fun, I never quite made the grade in the "cleaning" department as a kiddo. Now I am not a slob, but my mess is nicely hidden out of sight, out of mind...Right? Not so much when you move!

Anyway, the impetus for our move was the need my parents had to sell their house. So the move out clean, needed to be white glove worthy! Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. Then,   two wonderful sisters in the Lord OFFERED TO CLEAN THE HOUSE! I  cried! "My dad will be so happy," I thought. I insisted to join in the efforts, they refused me. Vicki and Lori, you have blessed me beyond the beyond! The house is cleaner than I can ever remember it, and thats saying a lot!  My dad was a cleaning weirdo, my mom had OCD for 10 years!  Carpet balls anyone?

November 9, 2010

I am thankful for the McDonald Family.

Not having any modern technology for several days, forced me to examine how much time I think of being on the computer, or wonder about facebook, or  talk on the phone. I think I needed this break. Lorry joked and told me to call it a fast, but I told her I would rather suffer in silence... but  not silently.  After I could take it no longer, I went to Lorry's house and pouted until she let me use the internet. The only stipulation was I had to read one of her daughter Tara's papers. If you have ever read anything by Miss Tara McDonald, you must know this was no chore. I signed into my iGoogle, saw how many blogs I had in my reader and freaked out a little. Then I went to facebook and saw the dreaded 300+ posts in the corner and was again overwhelmed. Who else hates that stupid blue 300+? I think Mark Zuckerberg  is mocking me.

Anyway. After that I grazed on some delicious turkey in their kitchen. John, Lorry's wonderful husband who we all affectionally refer to as Cupcake, didn't get mad at Jude when he took a huge bite out of a beautiful orange heirloom tomato. He then cut him up some more of the said tomato, and added some cucumber to the mix. Jude was very happy.

Then Tara, who should have been finishing her paper, asked if I was planning to update the blog. I told her I didn't want to rush. She scolded me and reminded me about commitment. A lecture I am sure I gave to her once before, since I did teach her to read, but thats not the point. Lorry then also scolded me. I frowned. Laughingly Lorry suggested I should blog about how I am thankful for the McDonald family. Little did she know, you don't joke with a blogger.

Which leads me to today.

November 10, 2010

I an thankful for the common grace that is technology. Even though my wireless router isnt working and I am plugged in using an ethernet cable, I am again connected to the outside world. I had some time to examine my heart concerning my love of techyness, and the conclusion I came to is this: I love the internet because it connects me to people I love. Facebook is a means to connect with my family and friends. Blogs encourage me in my mommyhood woes.

Now, I do waste time on the computer. I watch tv shows on Hulu. I browse people.com. I have been known to watch an Apple Keynote or two... and in those areas I have been convicted by the Lord to change. And by his grace alone I will change. Technology by itself isn't sinful, its how we use it that can be the problem.

I am thankful to the Lord that he continues the good work he started in me and that he loves me so much he gave me the internet!

Day 6

November 6, 2010

Today like yesterday, I am humbled by the service others have given me freely to help me move. I am thankful for my dear friend Abby keeping Jude so that I have not a worry in the world concerning him. I am thankful to Lisa K. who gave me her whole day!  Cleo, Lorry, Janet and my Mama such servants! David, John, Tom, Grant such amazing men of God.

Its almost done, were almost out... I am thankful for that.

Day 5

November 5, 2010

I AM THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS WHO HELP ME MOVE!

I am a looser when it comes to moving. I like to sit in a dark corner and not talk. I freak out and cry. Honestly, I can imagine nothing worse than packing boxes of my belongings.

For the second time in a year, Janet Shipley has packed my entire kitchen! Alone!  She is a gift from Jesus. Cleo, Lorry, Tara, and Jenae, Thank You, Thank You! My parents took Jude for a sleep-over and I am sure Lightening McQueen was involved somehow in their evening. (I'm trying to keep his interest hot for you Mari.) What a blessing having grandparents close truly is. Then to top off the day, Lisa brought over diner and pushed me onward with a vibrant second wind. We got the kitchen mostly unpacked in the new place and for that I am truly thankful!

Oh yeah, men were involved in schlepping boxes, they were awesome too.

I am tired now and tomorrow is today all over again! What's that about insanity being something like doing the same thing over and over again...

Day 4

November 4, 2010

I am thankful for burp cloths. My second son is almost 11 weeks old. He has a spit-up problem. Around week 2 I thought he might have pyloric stenosis. (Warrning: Don't get on the internet at 3 AM while half asleep and paranoid about your newborn's spit up issues) Thankfully, he does not have this horrible condition, but the child can SPIT-UP! If I feed him too much the kid can hurl with the best of them. So, I have many many burp cloths all over my house. Some are cute, some are plain, some are clean and some are smelly. Whatever they are, I need them.  Son #1 rarely spit up. So the need for a burp cloth was new to me. Now I can't imagine life without one. They are so handy. Burp cloths keep the yuck off of me and absorb all the yuck off of Reed. Burp cloths are wonderful!

Day 3

November 3, 2010

I am thankful for my sister and Silly Bandz. First of all, going on vacation with children and an Single Aunt is AWESOME! I didn't have to be in the pool if I didn't want to. Auntie Bing gladly participated as the catcher at the bottom of the water slide for as long as my son wanted to slide. In addition to being pool buddies, Bing provided a new favorite accessory for Jude. Silly Bandz. I had no idea what these funny bracelets were before last week. Now I see them everywhere. Jude LOVES them. Each morning when getting dressed he informs me, "My need my Silly Bandz pease Mom." So I oblige. This afternoon at the local toy store I bought some dinosaur bandz. Jude at this moment has 24 dino bracelets on his left arm. Bing, do you see what you have done? Thank goodness I am not seeing headbands everywhere, I don't think I could handle that trend!

Day 2

November 2, 2010

I am thankful for new friends. Have you ever met someone and known within a matter of minutes you and this person were meant to be friends? This has happened to me a few times in my life and each time I feel so blessed. I can almost feel God smiling as he orchestrates these moments in my life. Friendship, especially new friendships need fostering and I am thankful to have the time to invest in others, and them in me.

Day 1

November 1, 2010

Today I am thankful for Lightening McQueen. All cars are lovingly named, "Ma-da Keen," by my two year old son. Racing cars is a game we play all day long. I am  thankful for the wood floor in my kitchen which doubles as an "Amazing" race track. 

Ka-Chow!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness

 The third Thursday of November has the 4 "F's": family, food, fellowship, and football! Apart from my wedding anniversary and my children's birthdays Thanksgiving is the best day of the year. I love the cooking, the traditions. I love the laughing and the eating. I love the phone calls made to family who cant be with with me and playing in the leaves in my parents front yard. I love that some years its my dad's birthday and that some years the Dallas Cowboys win (although its not looking too likely this year).

So this month I want to make all that I love and am thankful for about Thanksgiving to last all month rather than just the one day.

Like any good idea I have, my SIL has had it first. So each day this month I will be posting something I am thankful for.

I am committing to thirty days of Thankfulness!

The San Diego Zoo

Last weekend after a Doctor's appointment in Laguna Beach, Garrett, Chandler, Jude and I headed out for a fun day at the zoo.

The day started out overcast and chilly for SD which was a balmy 65'F. However, I was more than thrilled to be in weather that consisted of no visible moisture! As the day progressed, it got warmer and the sun came out! It was a glorious feeling. The sun on my face and wearing short sleeves, I thought momentarily I was in heaven. (Can you tell, I am seriously over the Winter as Spring weather I am currently enduring!)

Jude had yet to experience the zoo. He sees horses and cows each time we travel the 30 minutes to Mamo's, but all other real animals he has not seen. I was anxious to see how he would react. I wondered if he would be shy, frightened, excited, apprehensive, indifferent... But I was sure no matter how he reacted we would have fun!

We arrived at the zoo around 10:30 and it was packed! It was Armed Forces Day, something I should have been aware of but wasn't... sorry Gabe, and all active duty military personnel were invited to the zoo for free! What a great deal for active duty service men and women and their families, but it made for a busy day. Also there seemed to so some massive photography club and a huge number of boy and girl scout troops! It was a great day for people watching and for listening to children!

One little boy who was with three little girls around the age of 7 was inquiring if any of them had ever eaten a bug. He told them that it wasnt a big deal and that they, the bugs, taste like spicy tuna! I laughed outloud. First of all, eating bugs! Gross! But what was so funny to me was the idea that the flavor of spicy tuna would be so common place among these children, that he thought this would be a good comparison. I like spicy tuna, I wish I could eat some now! If that is what bugs taste like, perhaps I should rethink my aversion to bug eating!

Jude liked the animals a lot and was such a good boy. He stayed in the stroller and would stand up to see all the animals. He wasn't shy, or nervous, but I could tell he was overwhelmed. The zoo is a big place with a lot of things to see. We pushed through the day forgoing a nap, and he never once became the cranky sleepy kid monster. His favorites were the rhino, which he was at first confused about since my parents have a riding 4wheeler which we call a rhino..., the elephant, the giraffes, the camel, and the cougar. He liked the monkeys, but they weren't being that active and therefore not that interesting. The California Condors were cool and Chandler taught Jude how to span his arms real wide like wings and whoosh like a bird of prey! I was pretty cute. The last place we went was into the reptile house and we saw a huge albino python. Jude really like it. He kept saying, "Lellow nake!"

But the real highlight of the day was seeing the Polar Bears at feeding time! Well not really, Let me explain. I am married to hunter. A man who sees the value and validity of stewarding and subduing the land and animals around him. The polar bears were scheduled to be fed around 1:30, so we headed in that direction. Garrett, I am sure, envisioned large slabs of meat or some wounded seal swimming around in the polar bears fake artic pool. We show up at the newly redone polar bear exhibit, making me feel ever so gulity for ever having any sort of carbon footprint because its because of us all the polar bears are dying, and the trainer is placing large heads of romain lettuce all over the habitat.

Garrett scoffs loudly, "Dont these people know what Polar Bears eat. Haven't they seen Planet Earth! You know in the back right now, they are chowing down on some huge side of beef, and they expect us to be entertained by the bears playing with lettuce!"

I wasn't sure if I should dive into the fake ice cave and hide for the rest of the afternoon, or if I should kiss him hard right then and there.

You see the zoo is a paradox. Saving endangered animals means that those animals have to eat other animals. Not all living creatures are vegetarians. Most are meat eaters, and as far as the hubby is concerned to be honest is better than being offended. I did have to point out how for a small child the idea of the seal they just saw in the Seal Show being hunted by Mr. Polar Bear could be slightly damaging to the psyche. He agreed. But he did make me think. He always makes me think, and that is one of the many things I love about my husband.

Anyway, the zoo was a success and I am looking forward to many more paradoxical days at the San Diego Zoo. I really do love that place, even if they feed the Polar Bears lettuce.

Here are a few pictures:

Wordless Wednesday with Words.

My wonderful SIL called me out publicly for being a bad blogger. Nothing like that to get you going... Gosh Mare:)

Here are a few pictures from our latest happenings.

Jude and his buddy Kaden at the newly melted, snow free park!

 Jude blowing some bubbles on his Mimi's front pourch. 

Looking for strawberries in the fridge by himself... I didnt even know he could open the fridge. 

Again, Mari, thanks for the reminder... Ill do better. I promise.

The Word of God and Suffering.

In February I was asked to give a talk for a small gathering of local ladies. Now being 21 weeks into this pregnancy I am thankful that I am not continuing to suffer as I have in the past, but I am thankful that I did have a trial that I was able to walk through all the while giving God is due glory. 


Here are the notes from the talk. And here is the link if you care to listen to it. I spoke second so my talk begins a little bit before half way.

Famished for the Word of God

The Bible is the inspired word of God. From it, what we know about God exists. This book is the greatest and most valuable resource in the lives of all human beings.  By it we can know the things of God, who he is, and what he is like. We can learn about his sacrificial love for us, and the rescue plan he has been working out since the beginning of the world. This is the greatest book of all time.

From this book I find comfort and strength.  I find the answers to hard questions, and I find joy in the promises it contains.

A few weeks ago it rained.  The wind was howling, the tree branches were whipping in the wind, and water poured from the sky.  Raindrops hit the windows of my home with strength and what seemed like purpose. It seemed like the weather was mimicking how I felt and what was happening to me. My life was a storm and a wicked one at that. Wet, cold, dark, and scary.  Was I strong enough to endure this again? Have I not learned some lesson that I need to? Am I to be an example to others in this pain?

Suffering is a part of the Christian life.  We all will have trials and hardship. The reality of suffering is something we like to minimize and at times flat ignore. But the truth is that Jesus suffered! Jesus endured the most horrific hardship on the cross, so that we may be reconciled to the Father and made heirs with Christ.

I was suffering. In 2009, I had two of my babies die before they were 10 weeks old inside my body. I have miscarried twice.  Miscarriage is an invisible death. I never held these children, I never kissed them, I never lost sleep over them, or enjoyed them. But I was their mother. I mothered them for as long I as I kept them inside my body. I am still their mother and I look forward to the day in eternity that I will see their faces and hold them, kiss them, and enjoy them. But until that day, the reality of the loss of my babies is a real, true and present suffering that I was chosen to endure.

I tell you this because the scriptures brought me the only real comfort I could grasp.  God spoke to me through his word revealing to me truth.

Romans 8:17 says, “and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may be glorified with him.”

Suffering is something we get to endure as mere humans so that we may share in the Glory of Christ.

1Pet. 4:12-13 says, “Beloved, do not be surprised at he fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”

Now, I don’t want you to hear that I was chipper after I had miscarried. I was downcast, depressed and about as far as you can be emotionally from joyful, but God was faithfully showing me that he counted me worthy to join in his sufferings so that I could share in his glory.  Sharing in the suffering of Christ is honorable.

We do not suffer because God is absent or do we suffer because God points his finger down at us from heaven shouting “SUFFER” at us.  God is not surprised by our suffering, nor is He the direct cause of it.

We live in a fallen world, a world that isn’t as it should be. We live in a place when sickness, death and pain still rule and reign. Sufferings is an enigma to the Christian, because this side of eternity we know that this isn’t the way it was meant to be. Our eternal soul longs for the, “not yet.” The place where death has lost its victory and death has lost its sting!  We long for the new heavens and the new earth. We long for the time before sin had corrupted God perfect creation.  But that place isn’t here. Here it is hard and often times wretched.  But we have another promise:

In Romans 8:28 We learn that, “ …for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

God works all things together for our good. But that doesn’t mean that all things that happen to us are good!  When we are in a time of trial or great suffering or know someone who is, we need to pay appropriate seriousness to the issue at hand. Our sinful tendencies can lead us to trivialize, sentimentalize, or celebrate suffering. Saying things like, “Well, what you are going through isn’t nearly as hard as what she has been through.” Or “ But can’t you the blessings that are going to come from this?” or “Wow, you must have a super special calling on your life to have been chosen for this.” All of these responses are sinful. Finding the appropriate response to another’s suffering is often a great challenge. But as Christians we must preservers until we can do this.

I believe that how we come to an appropriate response to another’s suffering is not to waste our own.

Did she really, just say that? Don’t waste your suffering. Yes I did.

When we endure a trial, we are able to relate to another person in a way that someone who hasn’t endure that trail will never be able to. To not engage, minister to, or simply love a sister who shares in your same suffering is wasting it! We need to suffer to the glory of God.

1Corinthians 10:31 says, “ So whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

Dont waste your breast cancer. Dont waste the adultery committed against you. Dont waste your infertility. Dont waste your financial struggles. Dont waste your sickness. Dont waste your pain. Dont waste your broken family. Dont not waste the death of your child. Dont waste your life.

Richard Simms in his book The Bruised Reed says, “After conversion we need bruising so that reeds may know themselves to be reeds and not oaks… Such bruising may help weaker Christians not to be too much discouraged when they see stronger ones shaken and bruised.”

The people of God cannot be with these examples, Peoples bruises minister to us like their victories never can.

We {often} rise up to God in pride, while God descends to us in humility. We look for God in the powerful places; in the health and wealth and happiness; in perfect families and prosperous nations, but God is truly found in the weak things of this world. –Michael Horton, Too good to be true: finding hope in a world of hype.

So my standing here talking to you is me not wasting my miscarriages. This is me, sharing in my sufferings for the glory of Jesus Christ, so that perhaps we can together find comfort in the cross. I pray my bruises will bring you encouragement.

So a few weeks ago, when it was raining, I had just been told that my fourth pregnancy would most likely end in another miscarriage. My beta Hcg hormones hadn’t doubled like they should, and my doctor had told me to prepare to miscarry again.  I was broken like I had never been broken before. I questioned all over again. I wondered if I was ever going to be a mother to another baby that was alive. I wondered if my womb was a place of death instead of life. I was gripped by an unrelenting fear.  I still believed everything I have just shared with you. I still trusted God and knew that suffering was a part of this life. But I was afraid.

God did a miraculous work in my womb and this little continued to grow.

 After two weekly doctor appointments, where the baby grew and the heart beat increased in strength, my doctor was convinced everything would turn out fine. But I didn’t believe her. I was afraid. I had suffered, I had known the emotions to come, and I wondered why should I expect anything but suffering in this particular situation? I was flat out fearful! And everyone told me that was understandable, everyone except my husband. He told me to repent!

Seriously, I thought as I looked at him standing in the kitchen.  He told me that I need to trust God and that my fear was showing my lack of trust in God ultimate goodness. I had bought into a lie and that I was the cause of the fear I was walking in.

I got mad at him and went to bed.

The next morning I read this:

This post was written right after the birth of our third child, Morrow. Today he turns 17 months old. So this post is about that old.

I never published it—not sure why.

For those of you newer to our story, our third child was born 8.22.08, 11 months after the stillbirth of his sister, Felicity. But… I kept my pregnancy a secret from my blogging audience until the day I was going in to deliver.

Here’s the original post, written sometime in late 2008.

*          *          *

Many of you were probably a little bit surprised by the news of our third child’s arrival. I am too.

There are a few reasons I haven’t blogged about it.

1. Fear.

Women who have experienced the death of a child often deal with irrational thoughts. I’ve dealt with so many since Felicity’s death. Many of them have been those “if only” thoughts:

If only I had gone into the hospital the night I was having some painful contractions, maybe they just would have let me stay and I’d have her right now.

Others have been more like:

My baby died inside of me. My womb is a place of death.

So much of me has struggled to believe that the birth of a healthy, living child could ever happen for us again.

Maybe God will never do this for me. I’m going to live with the agony of another stillbirth so that he can keep making an example out of me and my suffering.

I don’t want to be an example. I want to be the mother of more than one living child.

So, though I don’t believe in jinxes, I shied away from announcing my pregnancy for a long time, mostly because I was afraid to actually say the words and then have God snuff it out because I was presumptuous and he was going to teach me a lesson about that.

I know these thoughts don’t reflect a belief in a loving God. And I’ve wept even thinking the thoughts. But they’ve been there.

I didn’t even tell my parents for almost five months that we were expecting. It was as though my mouth went dumb every time I tried to bring it up in a phone conversation with them 900 miles away. It was just easier to talk about weather or Orison or what I was making for dinner.

The fears I dealt with throughout this pregnancy were ones that I wanted to deal with personally, first between me and God, then between me and Abraham, then between me and my family and close friends. These concentric circles of trust and support have been what I needed for the duration of my pregnancy.

*          *          *

It’s been about 17 months since I wrote those words. And since then I’ve given birth to a healthy, full-term, living baby. That should prove to me that it’s possible, right? That should take care of my fears, right?

God has indeed proven his faithfulness in many ways in my life since September 2007. But… fears remain. This Christmas I was struck over and over and over with how each person responded to the announcement of Christ’s coming. What was the first thing the angel told each of them (Mary, Joseph, the shepherds)?

“Fear not…”

It’s like the angel knew what a human’s knee-jerk reaction would be—fear.

We’re so stinkin’ fearful, every last one of us. But one thing I’ve been clinging to recently is something my mentor told me when I was dealing with something very fearful for me.

“Hell dances when God’s people are afraid.”

So I can either add to their revery and stew in my fears down here, or I can bring them to the Cross, where God is not spurning them, but hearing them and calming them. If the angels know that we will react fearfully, then surely God knows our inclinations. He’s not surprised by my fears. So I can run to him, and he will embrace me.

I just keep telling myself: He is a loving Father, and not my adversary

-Molly Piper  www.mollypiper.com

After the tears stopped rolling down my face, I repented. Then I called Garrett, and told him how much I love him and how he was right.

God is good and his grace or favor is here for is to go through trials, not to go around them.

Psalm 23:4 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me.”

This is not just imagery of a Shepherd, but one of a monarch ruling with his scepter and mace.

We are assured that under Christ’s guardianship that God not satan, is King, that life not death has the last word, righteousness not sin reigns over us, and blessing not condemnation is our inheritance here and now. –Michael Horton: Too good to be true: finding hope in a world of hype

God is the source of all comfort.

2Cor. 1:3-4 says, “ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

So for me, the comfort I have received from God allows me to stand before you 10 weeks pregnant, and tell you, that whether I have 10 weeks with this baby, 10 months or 10+ years, I am confidant that the God of the bible, the God I love it worth any trial any suffering and any fear that I endure in this life.

This book, the living word of God is our comfort. It is our refuge, and it is our strength. It is where we find out about the character of God, it is where he loves us, reveals himself to us, and corrects us. And most of all it is where he says, in

Revelation 21:3-4, “ that [we] will be his people and God himself will be with [us]and [our] God. He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Truly, being famished for the word of God is a gift. Lets share in it together.

Is the baby a boy or a girl?

We went and had an ultrasound today and were able to determine the baby's gender.

Its gonna be so fun! I cried, then laughed, then laughed harder! I love being a Mom.

Here is the link to the video we recorded earlier today!

Mamo's Blog

So my wonderful mother has been a writer for years. After some recent changes in the direction of her writing she has started a blog...

I highly recommend you check it out. She great. More than anyone else I know she can laugh at herself when necessary and can be introspective when required.  It will be fun to see her creative journey unfold on the blogosphere.

I love you Mom!

Happy Blogging.

Oh yeah, Jude calls her Mamo. Cute huh!

Redeemed Afternoon

This afternoon after Jude woke up cranky, and the wind continued to rip through the trees at 40+ mph taking the option of going outside away, I decided we needed something to do!

Enter Amazing Moms 

This website has all kinds of cool crafts and things to do at home including games and birthday party ideas.

After poking around for a minute or two we decided to make play dough. In all the years I worked with kids, I had never done this before. I knew it was supposed to be simple, but honestly if I had known it was this simple, I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE!

Recipe:
Flour 3cups
Salt 1 1/2 cups
Water 3 cups
Vegetable Oil 2TB.
Cream of tartar 1TB.
Food coloring few drops or unsweetened "Kool-Aid" 1pkg.
Mix ALL of the ingredients in a large saucepan.
Cook over medium low heat, until the dough comes away
from the edges of the pan and it becomes difficult to move the spoon. Remove from heat. Cool until it can be handled.
Place on counter or wax paper knead 3-4 times.
Store in an air tight container.


All I had was some wholewheat flour and it worked perfectly. And to make this even better it take less than 10 minutes!


Jude had so much fun. At first he was quite timid, but he eventually got the hang of it. Making snowmen was his favorite activity, that and banging the rolling pin on the table. Boys will be Boys.


Here are a few pictures of the fun.

Building a tower!

Showing me his snowman. 

Putting the cutouts back in the cutters.

Making another snowman. 

And last but not least, showing me his muscles. 

This activity lasted more than an hour today. We had so much fun! I highly recommend making play dough if you have never done so before.

Oh yeah, and we have another Higerd Monkey making an appearance this August!  Congrats Gabe and Mari on having another little girl!

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Ten

1. I am a horrible blogger. It has been months and at times, years between my blog posts. Mari is an inspiration at times, and at others I want to ask her if she is so incredible simply to make me feel inferior:) I am blogging tonight because of her. I love you Mari.

2. I am entirely and completely over the cold and snow! It feels like heaven at my mother's house where Spring has sprung. I just want to plant some herbs, and play with Jude in the GRASS! All the parks are still buried in snow and I am about to loose it. Winter in this place is entirely too long.

3. Garrett and I celebrated our 6th Wedding Anniversary this past weekend. We had a wonderful day together. Over the years he has not been the best at planning special events, so the stakes were pretty high. Lets just say, he scored and 8 out of 10. We went skiing for a few hours in the afternoon and both forgot to apply sunscreen. We looked like raccoons until this morning. He then took me to a surprise dinner in Bishop, and to see the local theatre group perform "South Pacific." We had a wonderful time. 

4. After the show, we talked about the strange phenomena that is the Musical. This particular genre tends to put happy little tunes to the most somber of subjects. Sometimes having a husband who likes to critically think about everything can be kind of a downer...haha

5. Jude seems to be changing everyday. He has started gasping with surprise and excitement when he notices something he likes. Say Elmo shows up on the TV, he will shout, "Mama, Ahhah, Elmo!" It sounds like he is sucking in his breath and each and every time he does this I think I might melt. 

6. I love living in a house. We have been in the house I was a teenager in for 6 months and I don’t know how I ever survived in a condo/apt. If only the snow would melt so we could enjoy the yard. 

7. I have been on a lazy kick for too many weeks. Garrett and I have a joke going where he asks me if I got dressed today... How pathetic. If getting dressed in an accomplishment what have I become...

8. We are starting a new home group study tomorrow. We are using some curriculum published by Desiring God entitled, "Why we Believe the Bible." I am really looking forward to it. We have had such a great time hosting this group. Garrett continues to amaze me as he grows as leader. And each week I somehow find something interesting to cook for dinner. I love having the opportunity to do this in our home. 

9. After two miscarriages in 2009, I am 17 weeks pregnant! What a roller coaster this pregnancy has been. Having felt the little one move the last week or so, has brought me great peace. I am so excited to be a Mommy again. 

10. Oh yeah, I am so over our dog. Gus is great at many things, however, being at home with me all day is not one of them. If you don't have a dog, don't get one. EVER!